Motherhood

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Wedding Anniversary

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

Winner of the best driver competition

Life is too short for the wrong job

Very funny and clever set of ads.

Click on the picture to see full size ads.

Life is too short for the wrong job

Men and Womem

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. Has Mr . In it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
Now.... Wonder why men always want to be inside women!

Cool parent of the year award

Cool parent of the year award goes to the parent, who upon seeing the below didn't frick out, but went and got the camera....

Do you really need a project manager?

Best car ever?

Do you work too much?

Kids

Camouflage

Slide for very obnoxious kids

Is she cheating??

How to tell if you are ready to have children

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.


TOY TEST

Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a
child at night.


GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you
as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.


DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all the arms stay inside.


FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls
of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an
airplane. Now dump th e contents of the jug on the floor.


NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a. m.
Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5
years. Look cheerful!

INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa
Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower .



AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone
and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick
it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate
chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both
sides of the car. There, perfect.


PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.


PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the
last time.


FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to
them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this
experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers

Capitalism for Dummies

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let's make a hockey team, eh?

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.

Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a
tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.

Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.

Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.

Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.

Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.

Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.

Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.

Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.

Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.

Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.

Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.

Jehovah's Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.

Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill
out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.

Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.

Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.

Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of
dollars.

Religious Humor

Philosophy

1. I’m nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I’m perfect.
2. If I save time, when do I get it back?
3. Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
4. War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
5. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
6. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station… What more can I say.
7. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?
8. Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children are enough.
9. Alcohol kills slowly. Who’s in a hurry?

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards

1. Under same management for over 5763 years.

2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?," Moshe asked. "Yes, or no," she replied.

9. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living...."

10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.

11. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

12. And one final favourite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"

Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: They are called managers.

Texan, Native American and a Muslim...

At a small terminal in West Texas, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight.

One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma.
Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show.
The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, Now we are few."

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says,

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims

Yet."