Tips for ladies in year 2008

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30-day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex boyfriend!
13. Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover, or just suffering from work that might need a reason to smile

My Sons

4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the rest room. The three others talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a company at the bottom. He studied Business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the
company. He's so rich; he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas

The second guy said, 'Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift.'

The third man said: 'Well, that is terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulate each other just as the fourth returned from the rest room and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We're talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons ... What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'That's a shame .. what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'Nah, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Wedding Plans

An Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, 'Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world.'
'Absolutely not,' says the rabbi. 'It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately.'

'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'
'No,' answered the rabbi. 'It's forbidden.'

'Well, okay,' says the man, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'
'Of course!,' replies the rabbi. 'Sex is a mitzvah - a good thing within marriage, to have children!'

'What about different positions?' asks the man.
'No problem,' says the rabbi. 'It's a mitzvah!'

'Woman on top?' the man asks.
'Sure,' says the rabbi. 'Go for it! It's a mitzvah!'

'Doggy style?'
'Sure! Another mitzvah!'

'On the kitchen table?'
'Yes, yes! A mitzvah!'

'Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?'
'You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!'

'Can we do it standing up?'
'No.' says the rabbi.'
'Why not?' asks the man.
'Could lead to dancing.'